Book Excerpt: Best Practices for Providing Emotional Support
How to have more successful and supportive conversations with those we care about
Published: 9/2/2021
by Nick Oredson
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Introduction
Emotional support conversations are not like other conversations - they require a special type of attention and a use of language that is quite different from what we normally use in everyday life. Below are some best practices designed to help facilitate deeper connections and more supportive conversations between ourselves, our loved ones and all of those close to us.
1. Declare It
The first step in making the conversation a supportive one is to declare it up front. Everyone can find their own way of doing this, but usually it involves one person saying some version of: "I am upset/triggered/struggling/etc. with something and I need some support - do you feel like you are in a place to help me?". Framing it this way is very important because it brings both people to full attention, establishes the conversation as different from a discussion about bills, or school or the dog and it involves one person making a clear request for support.
2. Create the Space
Slow it down. Sit down. Get comfortable. Agree on a time frame that works for both people. Settle and relax and take some nice deep breathes. Good solid grounding will help the chances of connection and success.
3. Avoid Interruption Culture
This comes up constantly in a culture that is obsessed with being cellphone reachable at all times, day or night. Sometimes called interruption culture – it can really cause problems when having an emotional support conversation. Before starting, it is important to turn the phones off and go somewhere that is private. Once both people settle in and the connection is made, any type of interruption is painful to experience - especially if the issue is difficult.
4. Take it slow
Emotional support conversations need to happen at a much... slower... pace.... than any other type of conversation that we have in our busy lives. Since most of the time we are using language as a vehicle for persuasion or transmitting needs or demands as quickly as possible to other people, it is important to take conscious steps to slow everything down to the level where emotions can actually be fully realized.
5. Allowing for the “Pause”
Emotional work is a process where big realizations can happen at any moment and it is important to allow time for these realizations to sink in by calling for a pause. In general, we don’t like pauses because they leave us vulnerable to losing the point or the argument. When something big comes up, the best practice is to allow one or both of the people to say "Wow, that was a really big moment, lets take a few breathes to let that sink in". This can feel awkward at first but it is an excellent thing to allow for in emotional conversations - big moments need to be honored.
6. No Agenda
It is almost always best to set some criteria for conversations like this, rules, but not pin them to an agenda. In our busy, highly organized lives, we are always organizing our time around goals and time frames and we can slide into automatically using this approach in an emotional conversation and it will work against the connection. It is best to think in terms of "We are sitting down to gain understanding and to support each other." rather than "We are taking 30 minutes to solve all of our problems!". Emotions happen in a very complex and intricate way - sorting through them takes time and patience.
7.Running out of Time
If time runs out and the conversation feels unfinished, it usually doesn’t work to try and rush to a conclusion just to "cross it off the list". Bookmark the conversation and make a time to pick it up later. It is also a good idea to write down the key issues being discussed so that the conversation can be picked up quickly next time.
8. The “Fix-it Trap”
It really helps if the person providing support stays out of the fix-it trap of switching to advice mode after hearing the first few sentences of the issue. This is a very common mistake that many loving people make and it can easily derail the conversation. Generally, it is best practice to stay out of the advice business with anyone you are supporting unless they explicitly say "I need some advice on this - what do you think?" Staying out of the fix-it trap will help maintain connection and keep the conversations productive.
9. The “Timeshare Trap”
The timeshare trap is where one person becomes self-conscious and starts to feel like they are “always the one” asking for support. They start to shut down and stop asking for support because they feel too "needy". This is because most of us are conditioned away from having emotional needs during our development as children and we get the idea that it will "bring the other person down" if we admit to needing some emotional support. The truth is that asking for emotional support is a very loving thing to do and tends to brings out the best in the other person, and leaves them feeling loved, trusted and valued.
10. Active Listening
It is best practice for both parties to employ active listening when engaging in these types of conversations. Staying focused on what they are saying, waiting for the other person to finish their sentences, and asking clarifying questions are all signs that active listening is taking place. If either person is unable to concentrate for any reason, it is best practice to stop the conversation and fix whatever is wrong (bio needs, distractions, leaf blowers, etc.). If either person is having trouble following the thread, a great clarifying question is: "Could you repeat that - I really want to make sure that I am getting everything that you are saying". If someone is having a hard time getting the hang of listening, it is good practice to be as patient as possible with them. Remember that many family systems put absolutely zero value on listening and it is very easy to reach adulthood with no experience doing it at all.
Conclusion
Very very often, emotional conversations do not require a formal "conclusion" because they are inherently non-linear in nature. Usually a successful conversation has an "aha!" moment where some connection is made, some type of healing occurs, or the source of the pain or confusion is identified and there is some relief. This becomes easier to recognize with practice, and usually two people who are paying attention and following the guidelines know it when it happens. It very rarely ends with advice being exchanged, it is almost always an insight into the emotional underpinnings of life. If there is any question, the person who is in support mode can say "Do you feel supported?" or "Do you need anything more?" to find out if the conversation is "done" or not.
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Comments? Questions? I would love to hear from you!
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