Why Fixing, Saving and Advising Strategies Cause Harm
Why These Strategies Cause Harm and a Discussion of Alternatives
Published: 6/12/2021
by Nick Oredson
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Introduction
When I talk about the topic of fixing, saving and advising with groups I usually lead with the question: “How many of you can remember a time when you reached out for support from someone close to you and ended up feeling worse afterwards?”. The nearly universal reaction to this question is a brief moment of reflection and then a collective groan from the group as they all roll their eyes and raise their hands.
When I follow up and ask for people to share some details about what happened, sometimes they report that the person attempting to be supportive did something overtly abusive, dismissive or judgmental. This is relatively rare, however, and in the vast majority of situations they report that the person they reached out to was genuinely engaged and compassionate with their issue, but did some form of fixing, saving or advising and it left them feeling terrible.
This article will describe what fixing, saving and advising sound like in a conversation, the reasons why these strategies cause such harm, and discuss some alternatives to use.
Fixing
Fixing involves telling another person that they need to change something about themselves in order to make their problem go away. Here are some commonly used statements that involve fixing:
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“You are way to attached to things, you need to learn to let go.”
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“You are being completely irrational about this – you need to be more logical.”
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“You should be more grateful for what you have.”
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“You are taking this way too personally – this is not a big deal.”
The hidden message in a fixing statement is: “You are suffering because you are flawed.”
Saving
Saving involves getting involved directly in someone else’s issue to make it go away. Here are some common saving statements:
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“Listen, if you can’t tell him what you think, I will do it for you.”
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“How about I come to your house and just fix it?”
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“How about if I just give you the money?”
Although an honest offer of direct help with an issue can be grounded in genuine generosity and sometimes be of great assistance to another person, it is not recommended as an opening strategy. If someone gets two sentences into their issue and are met with a curt offer of direct help, they often come away from the interaction feeling dismissed and unheard. In general, it is best practice to be very careful when intervening directly in another person’s issue unless there has been an extensive conversation beforehand.
The hidden message in a saving statement is: “I have no faith in your ability to take care of yourself.”
Advising
Advising involves making a direct statement to someone about what they should do to make their problem go away. Another way to think about this strategy is: “Unsolicited advice is answering a question that has not been asked.” Here are some common advising statements:
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“You should just go right in and tell your boss what you think”
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“You should just make a realistic plan and then stick to it”
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“You should just forget about it – its not that big a deal”
The presumption in the advising strategy is that anyone sharing about an issue in their lives is seeking counsel when that may or may not be the case. The hidden message in an advising statement is “I know better than you - I am superior to you.”
Common Themes
All three of these strategies seek a quick solution to a problem – to make it go away – and can easily carry the message “Your problem is making me uncomfortable and I don’t have time for this – please go away now”. In addition, these strategies are usually counterproductive because:
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They place the person making the statement in a position of superiority and the person seeking the help in a position of inferiority.
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They do not invite or support the inner resources or agency of the person seeking the help.
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They often come across as dismissive and/or minimizing the feelings of the other person.
Impulse of Compassion
Most of the time, these strategies have an impulse of compassion behind them - the desire to be of assistance when we see another person suffering. However, there is also the possibility that the impulse to action comes from the discomfort that we can feel inside ourselves when we see another person experiencing a difficult emotion. If the distress of another person is making us feel uncomfortable, it can become an urgent mission to “fix” the feeling in the other person and make it go away. If you are feeling an urgent need to find a solution to someone else’s problem, it is usually best practice to ask the question “Is this person’s suffering making me uncomfortable?” and pause before taking action. Whether it is a genuine impulse towards compassion or a need to make the feelings in another person go away, the reflex to fix, save or advise is often harmful and can leave the other person feeling unseen, unheard and dismissed.
Why Use the Word "Strategy"?
I am using the word strategy, because often we go into reaction when we are witnessing another person in distress. In the reactive state, it is easy to take habitual actions without giving it much thought. By using the word strategy it opens up the possibility of bringing choice into the situation, where we can consider a variety of options for how to respond based on our assessment of the situation rather than simply allow our reflexive responses to take over.
Situations Where Explicit Advice is Appropriate
If you are acting in an explicitly advisory function (such as a student advisor) and a student comes to you during an advising session and sits down in your office and says “I would really like some advice from you on which classes to take next quarter” - of course it is fine to give them some advice. Still - even in situations like that - it is best practice to ask clarifying questions about their overall goals, interests and personality before proceeding. This will bring their attention back to the importance of considering their own internal compass when making their decisions.
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Three Alternatives
The most common question that comes up at this point in the work is “If we are not going to fix, save and advise each other – what are we going to do?”. Below are three alternatives to fixing, saving and advising that usually result in much more successful interactions. The underlying theme for all three of them is curiosity.
Asking the question “Do you want to talk solutions or do you just need to be heard?”
This is a great question to ask early in the conversation to remind the other person that they have control over what kind of conversation you are going to have.
Asking the question “What do you need?”
The universal best question to ask anyone who is in distress. This question invites them to pause and consider what they need, keeping the responsibility for their well-being centered on their own thoughts and actions.
Asking the question “What can I do?”
Once again, this question doesn’t make any assumptions or contain any hidden agendas. It orients the person asking the question as the one acting in service towards the person being asked the question and creates a dynamic of being both supportive and respectful.
The above three strategies support the following:
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These strategies place the support person in a position of service rather than a position of superiority to the person seeking support.
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They support the power, agency and internal resources of the person reaching out.
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They support the needs, wants and desires of the person reaching out.
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These strategies remind the person reaching out that although they may be upset, they are not helpless.
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They emphasize that the ultimate answer to the well-being of the person reaching out lies in their own agency and actions.
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They are very respectful towards the vulnerability of the person reaching out.
Conclusion
Nobody wants to be the person who makes a situation worse when they are approached for help or support. Unfortunately, the popular strategies of fixing, saving and advising often do make the situation worse, and can cause serious harm. Using the three alternatives above when working with students, advisees, friends or loved ones will greatly increase our chances of being a trusted and helpful source of genuine support.
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Comments? Questions? I would love to hear from you!
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