Book Excerpt: Introduction to Nonviolent Communication
An overview of the basic elements of "Nonviolent Communication" as created by Marshall Rosenberg
Published: 10/4/2021
by Nick Oredson
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Introduction
In the book Nonviolent Communication: a Language of Life Marshall Rosenberg proposes that there can be hidden elements of threat, coercion and violence embedded in our basic use of language. These pieces of aggression can be operating without our knowledge and can have a big impact on all of our relationships - causing outcomes that are out of alignment with our core values, intentions and goals. This can be difficult to work with because it is created through the process of social osmosis - an indirect process where cultural knowledge is imparted to us by the general cultural environment in which we were raised. Social osmosis rarely involves any type of conscious memory or trauma – these ineffective ways of communicating were installed in our developing brains during our early development - much like malware being installed in a computer. Working with this usually involves a two part process of first raising awareness and then changing behavior. Using the malware metaphor, this process is about finding the bad lines of code that were installed on our system without our knowledge, and then either uninstalling them entirely or overwriting them with bits of healthy code.
The Basic Ingredients of NVC
The basic ingredients of NVC are relatively simple and easy to remember, but can feel awkward at first and can take a considerable amount of practice to integrate.
1. "I" statements
When talking about feelings or needs, NVC recommends that we own everything we say by starting each sentence with an “I”. A good example of this would be to say “I feel angry from what you just said” as opposed to “Why would you say something like that!” As simple as the concept of the I statement sounds, it can be very challenging at first to adopt this practice.
For many of us, having feelings was dangerous when we were growing up, and so many of us have a strong tendency to avoid acknowledging what is going on internally in favor of speculating about what is going on with the other person. Overall, it is considered best practice to avoid saying the word "you" when talking about feelings, the premise being that each person takes responsibility for their own internal state and avoids speculating about the other person’s feelings or motivations.
It is also important to avoid making absolute statements about the other person such as you always and/or you never. When a conversation gets to the point where either party is making general statements about what the other person does or doesn’t ever do, it is usually a signal that things are significantly off track and it might be a good idea to take a break and cool down.
2. The importance of being heard
It is particularly important in NVC practice to make sure that every person involved in the conversation feels heard by the other party or parties.
The practice to ensure that both parties feel heard if for the person talking to stop every few sentences and ask the other person to repeat back what they said. It is okay to paraphrase - word for word is not necessary - but it is important that the conversation not continue onwards until the person feels heard by the other person. Once people get past the idea that of course I am a good listener and honestly engage with the material, big breakthroughs often happen.
Once again, as simple as this sounds, this is often a very difficult thing to accomplish and can take a considerable amount of time and practice to succeed with. Most of us have a self image of being a good listener that can suffer considerable disruption as we realize how much we distort what another person is saying to fit our assumptions or worldview, especially if we are upset or triggered.
Sometimes it can take married couples hours of repetition and practice before each person can repeat back even a single sentence accurately to their partner. Years and years of hurt and frustration can build up around certain issues, especially in close relationships or a marriage, and this pain can interfere with our ability to actually listen to what the other person is saying.
Examples
Most of us learned to use language in an environment that had lots of non-compassionate elements built into it at the most basic level. Below are some examples and some alternatives.
“That's just ridiculous” (Judgment)
Option using NVC: “What you just said really does not make any sense to me. I really want to understand what you are saying - can you say it another way?”
“Now you are just trying to pick a fight with me” (Accusation)
Option using NVC: “What you said really upset me - I need a second to calm down.”
“You knew exactly what you were doing” (Assuming bad intentions)
Option using NVC: “That really hurt my feelings.”
“You never listen to me” (All or nothing language)
Option using NVC: “I'm really feeling like you are not hearing what I am saying - lets slow down and repeat back to each other slowly.”
“You always get angry when I mention this topic so I have just given up” (Victim Language)
Option using NVC: “I feel very frustrated with this topic and it feels very important to me to figure out a way to talk about it safely.”
Example Exchange
Below is an example of an exchange between a speaker and a listener where the listener practices good NVC technique. The listener does not repeat back exactly what the speaker says, but gets the emotional tone accurately.
Speaker:
This morning I woke up with some pretty bad anxiety and I didn’t know what to do about it – it kept building and I started to get pretty upset.
Listener:
What I hear you say is that you woke up with some bad anxiety and you got more and more upset as it kept building.
Speaker:
It wasn’t really focused on any one thing, it felt vague and global. I managed to get going and go for a drive before I even had breakfast and it seemed to help.
Listener:
What I hear you say is that the anxiety felt vague and global, and it helped to take a drive before breakfast.
Speaker:
I felt pretty good after that and was able to get on with my day. I felt glad that I was able to take an action that helped with the situation rather than let the anxiety take over my day.
Listener:
What I hear you say is that the drive helped and you were happy that you were able to do something about it rather than let it take over.
Conclusion
As deceptively simple as it sounds, incorporating NVC into our communication style has the potential to bring big changes and solve many of the mysteries surrounding the bad outcomes we have suffered over the years that stemmed from hidden aggression in our use of language. This practice has the potential to effect big changes, and can have a big impact on the outcomes that we get - even when we are using it unilaterally. It often takes two people to participate for a situation to escalate out of control, and if one person is consistently de-escalating through the use of good NVC practice, the chances of a situation spinning our of control are much reduced. This is the case even if only one person is using NVC. If we don’t respond to someone else’s efforts to escalate a situation, it is very difficult for them to maintain the energy. This puts the adoption of NVC in the position of being a very powerful practice that can potentially have a powerful, positive impact on all of our relationships and interactions.
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Comments? Questions? I would love to hear from you!
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